


I'll feed on your breath

by Jens



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, More Hurt Than Comfort Though, Self-Harm, one-sided kurokise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24040075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jens/pseuds/Jens
Summary: Kise wants to become perfect and loved by everyone - especially Aomine.
Relationships: Aomine Daiki & Momoi Satsuki, Aomine Daiki/Kise Ryouta, Kise Ryouta & Momoi Satsuki
Comments: 19
Kudos: 78





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Title from We need to eat by Kent
> 
> Some of the chapters also have titles from songs so this fic kinda comes with its own playlist lol, I will add the names of the songs at the relevant chapters' author's notes

When he first realises he might have 'wrong' kind of feelings towards Aomine, he feels appalled.

They're both guys, and teammates to boot. He might be pretty and a part-time model, but he's still a guy.

That's why wanting something more than friendship is wrong. He has to change the way he feels.

Then his manager tells him that he's gained weight and he should go on a diet.

At first, he hesitates. He thinks he's thin enough as he is, but his manager keeps insisting and says that modelling is a tough business. If he wants to get booked in the future, he has to lose weight.

It's tough, but once he gets the hang of balancing his diet, it actually proves to be rather... addicting.

Maybe he should stop once his manager tells him he's done a good job losing weight.

But it's not enough. He can still be thinner.

He'll become thin and beautiful and unattainable. He'll become perfect.

Who could dislike him when he's perfect? Surely not even Aomine, no matter how straight he might claim to be.

_Aominecchi will like me if I'm smaller and prettier, like girls._

He knows he can make it. He just needs to lose a little more weight.

And then a little more.

Until he's perfect.

An ice prince whom everyone loves and wants but no one can get; that's what he'll become.

Then Aomine will feel so privileged of being his that he'll never want to leave.

Perfection, that's what he must strive for.

Perfection.

Just a few more kilograms to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a slightly edited repost of a fic originally posted on FF.net in 2013-2017, for some reason I just never got around to posting it here? well, better late than never lmao
> 
> posting it today because it's AoKise day lol but since this is a repost, I'm hoping to get it all done soon (i'm only doing very minor editing), stay tuned!


	2. Changing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a semi-explicit self-harming scene at the end

Aomine is the last to notice something's off with Kise. Akashi and Kuroko have exchanged knowing glances for weeks already when Midorima and Momoi catch on to the decline in Kise’s weight.

Even Murasakibara realises Kise looks thinner than before and tries to fix things by offering to share some of his snacks with him. Kise thanks him for the sweet thought but refuses nonetheless.

Aomine doesn't see it. Sure, Kise doesn't demand one-on-ones as often as before (actually he doesn't do it at all anymore) and he seems somewhat tired all the time, but since nobody says anything about it, Aomine assumes it's just his imagination. Or that maybe Kise's just really busy with work.

Be as it may, it's not really Aomine's problem. If Kise decides to talk about it (if there even is an 'it' to talk about), then fine. If not, that's fine too.

Because really, Aomine doesn't care either way.

* * *

"Go home with Ryouta today and talk to him, Daiki."

Aomine stops in the middle of a push up to shoot a menacing look at Akashi. Akashi stares back at him with equal antipathy.

"Don't wanna."

Akashi raises an eyebrow. "Do you think I care about what you want? I'm not asking you, I'm ordering you. Go home with Ryouta."

Aomine gets up. "What am I supposed to talk to him about? You're making it sound like you have a specific topic in mind."

"I do." Akashi seems pleased with Aomine's sudden co-operation.

"What is it?"

Akashi looks at him as one might look at someone who has just given the wrong answer to the question 'how much is 1+1'. Aomine feels a shudder running down his spine.

"As the captain, it is my duty to look after my team members, but it wouldn't hurt you, either, to actually look at your fellow players and see when something is wrong, Daiki." Akashi narrows his eyes dangerously. "Besides, there’s a chance it is partially your fault that Ryouta is not feeling well. So take responsibility."

Aomine really wants to say something back, but the look in Akashi's eyes tells him that if he does, the consequences might be... not so pleasant. So he complies, promising to go home together with Kise.

That doesn't mean he's happy about it, though. And what the hell does Akashi mean by it might be partially his fault? What has he ever done to make Kise feel down?

* * *

Kise looks much skinnier than Aomine remembers. Sure, he has the same, strong muscles and is as tall as always, but still his body looks somehow smaller than before. His pale skin makes it easy to see bones sticking out at parts that really should have more flesh covering them. Despite claiming he doesn't really care, Aomine feels a sting of worry in his chest as he quietly inspects Kise's body.

But wait, Akashi didn't ask him to ogle Kise while he's changing. Why the hell is he even looking at a _boy's_ half naked body with so much interest? _Get a grip and stop staring_ , Aomine berates himself.

"Oi, Kise." Kise startles and looks in Aomine's direction with wide eyes.

"A-Aominecchi… you scared me."

"My bad." An awkward silence follows Aomine's half-hearted apology. He clears his throat and decides to get on with the task Akashi entrusted him.

"Hey, uh… are you doing anything after school?"

"Today? No, why?"

"I was just thinking that we could walk home together." Actually it's Akashi who thought of Aomine walking home with Kise but that isn't necessary for Kise to know.

Kise lights up and beams at Aomine. "Sure! But you have to be fast getting changed, I'm not going to wait long for you!"

"Since when do you have to wait for me? Aren't you the one who always takes an eternity getting changed?"

"It's because I'm a model! I can't go outside with messy hair or wrinkled shirt, I might run into a fan! And my fans would be disappointed to see me all ugly. Or I could run into paparazzi! That'd be terrible!" Kise pouts for good measure and makes a horrified face.

Kise sounds and acts the same as ever and yet Aomine can't help but think that it all feels somehow... forced and unnatural. The smile on Kise’s face is the one usually reserved for his job, not the one he uses with his friends.

Why does he even pay so much attention to Kise's expressions? Is it just because Kise’s bones are so visible that he's looking for some kind of confirmation that it's not serious, that Kise's still the same despite having lost a significant amount of weight? Because if _Aomine_ notices the difference, then it must be a lot.

Maybe Akashi wants him to talk about Kise's loss of weight? If that's the case, Aomine has no idea how to proceed. He can't just ask Kise about something like that. What if Kise has just been so stressed lately that he's lost weight because of it, without realising it himself or actively trying to get thinner? It'd be really awkward to talk about it if it wasn't intentional. No, Aomine needs to find a natural and nonchalant way to approach the subject.

"Are you okay?" Well that sounds natural… not.

Kise frowns. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've just been… less energetic lately. And Akashi said that's it's my fault or something like that." Aomine scratches the back of his neck in embarrassment. Damn, why does Akashi have to have such absolute power among the team members that it's impossible for them to go against his orders (unless they have a death wish, that is)? Right now, Aomine'd rather be anywhere but here, having this awkward conversation with Kise.

There's no reply. Nervous, Aomine steals a glance at Kise who looks slightly confused. "...Kise?"

"I'm fine."

No way is he fine; Kise never answers so shortly. Aomine steps closer. "Look, I don't know what's up, but if there's anything can do, just let me know, ok? You look a lot skinnier and since you're so tired all the time too, I just thought that maybe it's because of your modelling, like maybe they want you to be on a diet or something. And if that's how it is, then it's fine. But you have to make sure it doesn't affect your life otherwise."

"Oh. So it's fine for me to hurt myself for the sake of my job as long as it doesn't have a negative effect on my playing?"

Okay, something's definitely wrong. Kise _never_ talks to Aomine in that kind of tone.

"That's not what I meant! If it's necessary to lose a bit of weight for your job, then there's no helping it but if it makes you tired then shouldn't you quit? It can't be good for your health to-"

"Why do you care? You've never noticed what's been going on with me before so why start now?!"

"What do you mean I don't care? I do care, I just don't go around telling it to people's faces!"

"Well maybe you should! It might just make you more popular!"

"What the hell, Kise? Why are you so mad at me? I haven't done anything to you, despite what Akashi seems to think, so stop shouting at me! Geez, this is so not like you. What the hell are they doing to you at your job to make you so weird?!"

Kise doesn't shout back at him anymore. Instead he freezes and fixes his eyes on Aomine. _He's gonna cry_ , is what Aomine thinks and he's just about to apologise for yelling at Kise when -

"I know I'm ugly and disgusting but I also know that I want you!"

The sound of Kise's locker's door slamming shut with a loud bang echoes through the suddenly silent locker room.

Aomine just stares, trying to process what Kise just said. Does Kise mean that the way he thinks he does? Why was it that Akashi insisted Aomine to be the one to talk to Kise, since this clearly isn't going too well? And wait, when did he ever say Kise was ugly or disgusting?

Aomine realises he's taken too long to react when Kise pushes his way out of the room, bumping his shoulder into Aomine quite painfully before disappearing into the hallway.

"What the fuck, Kise?!"

Kise doesn't turn around.

* * *

_I know I'm ugly and disgusting, but I still want you._

He regrets saying that but he can't take his words back anymore.

It's wrong, he knows it is, but his heart belongs to Aomine.

He can't let Aomine know that yet, not when he's this ugly.

Perfection, he needs to remember that. Perfect is what he's aiming for. _Perfect._

He still has a long way to go. That's why Aomine had that fight with him.

Aomine can't stand him because he still has flaws.

Take the skin on his arm for example. It's smooth and pretty but it's not perfect. He can't see his bones clearly, there's too much flesh in the way.

That's no good. His bones are beautiful, and if everyone could see them, they would call him beautiful too.

He needs to work out more, there are still parts of him that aren't muscled. Instead they are soft.

Soft and _disgusting_.

Like he himself is.

He needs to change.

He made a mistake at breakfast and actually ate half a bowl of rice. He's hated himself the whole day for that; how could his control slip like that? It's no wonder Aomine doesn't love him when he has no control over himself and what he eats.

He hasn’t eaten anything after that. He can’t, he’s already going to gain at least 100 kilos for that mistake at breakfast.

Instead he’s locked in his room, desperately thinking of ways to make up for eating. Push-ups are good, as are sit-ups.

Even after working out and berating himself for hours, he still feels fat and miserable.

He’s nothing but a failure.

He should've spat the rice out before swallowing. Or better yet, not even put it into his mouth. Then there would be nothing to feel bad about.

A vague thought of forcing himself to throw up makes him wander into the bathroom. He forgets his plan as soon as he enters the room, though.

That's because his eyes happen upon the razor blade his father uses to shave.

Razors are sharp, right?

Sharp enough to punish fat, disgusting failures such as himself with.

He glances behind himself to make sure no one's watching, even though he's home alone.

How silly.

The cold metal of the blade feels good on his bare skin.

_I can't achieve perfection if my control slips. No more rice at breakfast. No more._

All it takes is one swift flick of his wrist. His skin tears in half as if it were paper.

Blood flows out.

He stares at his wrist, dumbfounded by the easiness of hurting himself.

It looks nice, the blood pulsating out of his body. And maybe, if imperfect blood makes an imperfect person, he'll change for the better once it's run out of him.

It's worth a shot.

Or another slit on his wrist and a trail of blood running down his hand until it falls to the sink in a chain of thick, red drops.

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

It's mesmerising.

Voices downstairs bring him back to his senses. His parents must be back.

After quickly cleaning after himself in the bathroom, he pulls the sleeve of his hoodie over his abused wrist to hide the cuts from his parents' prying eyes.

They don't need to know. He can battle the ugliness in himself alone.

The thick liquid seeping from his wrist is slowly dying his sleeve red, forming flowers of blood as it sinks through the material.

It's pretty.

The pain kicks in a little while later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about making Kise suffer, I swear I love him lmao.... I'm mostly done with the editing, there are just a few chapters at the end that I'm still not sure about, like I might rewrite them a bit more than the others but we'll see
> 
> also: in case anyone wants to talk about aokise/knb, hit me up on tumblr @ evan-kun, i'm bored and lonely


	3. Jealousy (or maybe it's just concern?)

When Kise doesn't show up to practice the next day, Aomine's heart drops. Kise has never missed club before and Aomine has a nagging feeling that this abnormality is his fault.

He really wishes Kise wouldn't avoid him though; he still has no idea what on earth he did wrong while talking to Kise and to clear the confusion he obviously needs to talk him, not have him skip practice and thus make it impossible for them to have a conversation. They're in different classes, after all, and Aomine doesn’t feel like making the effort to go look for Kise.

The fact that Akashi's murderous glare is fixated on his back most of the practice doesn't help a bit either.

* * *

It's stupid to skip practice, he knows it, but he can't go there.

Not only because he's afraid of seeing Aomine, but also because the scar on his wrist is clearly visible, and if he were to undress everyone would see the bandage he wears to hide the cut, which in turn would surely lead to questions he does not want to answer.

His manager calls him to let him know the photo shoot planned on that afternoon has been moved to next week. That's a relief; there's no way he could model with the scar on his wrist.

A week is also enough to lose some more weight because he can't go in front of a camera being as fat as he is now, right?

Right. So win-win all the way. Now all he has to do is get home before any of his teammates find him and drag him to practice.

Somehow his feet end up taking him to a shopping centre. Fine, he might as well kill time by looking at clothes.

Except maybe he shouldn't after all. Seeing all the clothes that are totally his style makes him remember he's ugly.

He's imperfect, so no new clothes until he's reached his goal.

But oh, he would buy this and this and maybe that too, if only he were a little thinner…

* * *

"Kise-kun."

Kuroko always seems to appear out of nowhere so it shouldn't surprise him as much as it does, but Kise lets out a small yelp when Kuroko suddenly calls his name.

"How long have you been here, Kurokocchi?"

Kuroko ignores Kise's question completely. "You should come to practice today, Kise-kun. Akashi-kun wasn't happy when you didn't show up yesterday."

Kise unconsciously brings a hand to his left wrist and pulls the sleeve a little lower. He can't look at Kuroko; he knows the boy would see right through him as he so often seems to do. What should he say? He can't go to practice before his wrist heals and even then Aomine is going to be there. But if he doesn't go, who knows what Akashi will do to him?

"I didn't feel too well yesterday so I decided to skip club activities," Kise finally says with a strained smile. That's the truth anyway.

It's just that nowadays, he rarely feels well.

Kuroko looks at him with an unreadable expression. "Does that mean you'll be coming to practice when you feel better?"

"Yeah, of course." Whenever that may be.

Kuroko smiles then, that rare small smile of his that the old Kise would have fawned over. The new Kise, however, just smiles back and goes back to thinking about what he can eat without breaking the daily calorie limit he's set for himself.

Hanging all over Kuroko is so childish and a complete waste of time, anyway. It won't make him any thinner, and - oh!

Maybe the reason Kuroko always seemed to hate it was because Kise used to be so fat and disgusting? He still is, of course, so there's another thing that needs to stop for the time being. No more hugging Kuroko.

He's so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the flash of hurt in Kuroko's eyes before the boy gets up and leaves.

* * *

"I'm so glad Akashi-kun hasn't killed you yet, Aomine-kun. Because now I can kill you myself."

So Aomine has apparently no idea what's going on with his teammates anymore. They all are giving him murderous looks, even Murasakibara who usually doesn't give a damn about much anything besides his snacks. Except for Kise, of course; Kise’s been avoiding him like the plague ever since that weird-ass conversation in the locker room a few weeks earlier.

And now _Kuroko_ of all people is threatening his life?

Maybe Aomine should start paying more attention to his surroundings after all.

"Why would you wanna kill me, Tetsu?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but Kise-kun has changed a lot." Kuroko's face is void of emotions, as usual, but somehow Aomine senses he's angry. Angry and… hurt?

"And I don't mean just the fact he's lost a lot of weight, I mean his personality as well." Kuroko looks away and there's definitely pain in his eyes when he continues, "I really wish I could do something to help but it looks like Aomine-kun is the only one who might be able to get through to him."

Aomine frowns. "Well, I did try to talk to him a few days ago because Akashi told me to but Kise just got all weird on me and he hasn't talked to me since then. Why do you all think I can help him? What the hell's even going on with him anyway?"

Kuroko turns his gaze back to Aomine and the look in his eyes is almost as murderous as Akashi's has been for the past few days. "You really don't understand?"

"Understand what?"

Kuroko sighs, utterly disappointed. "I forgot the only thing you care about is basketball."

"Oi Tetsu-"

Kuroko cuts Aomine off by raising his voice a little. "But it really wouldn't hurt to actually think about others and how they might be feeling sometimes, Aomine-kun."

With that, Kuroko is gone. Somehow Aomine feels even more confused than before.


	4. Near fantastica

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Near fantastica by Matthew Good (according to the author's note in the original version, I listened to this song a lot while writing this chapter, hence the title, but honestly I still love Matthew Good a lot so definitely recommend his music)

Maybe it's because it's their last year in Teikou. Maybe it's because Aomine's actually genuinely worried about Kise. Maybe there's no logical explanation for it, but be as it may, Aomine actually starts paying attention to Kise.

That proves to be rather difficult, what with Kise constantly avoiding him and not showing up to practice. In fact, it feels more like Kise's an ex-teammate instead of an actual player in the Teikou basketball club.

And that pisses Aomine off to no end.

What the hell is the idiot thinking, just leaving like that?! And why does everyone else seem to know what's going on?

Aomine wants to understand what's happening. He wants to understand why Kise isn't there anymore, asking him to play one-on-one with him even though he never wins. He wants to understand why Kise seems thinner and thinner every time he catches a glimpse of the boy at school.

He really needs to understand but he can't. Why would Kise leave them? Why can't it just go back to the way it used to be when they were all together, laughing and having fun? Sure, he’s always teased Kise a lot but he never wanted to actually stop being friends with him or anything like that.

He also thinks about what Kuroko told him. That stuff about taking other people's feelings into consideration.

So feelings, huh. What Kise might feel.

That makes him think about the conversation he had with Kise in the locker room.

( _I know I'm ugly and disgusting but I also know that I want you!_ )

No matter how he looks at it, it sure sounds an awful lot like a love confession. But that couldn't be, they've always been just friends and Aomine's pretty sure Kise's straight. Well, Aomine himself is, that's for sure. Still, what if.

_What if Kise really meant he's in love with me?_ Aomine buries his face in his hands. When did the relationship between him and Kise get so complicated? So okay, let's assume Kise's in love with him. Could be, they're young after all and Kise might just be figuring out his sexual identity.

But… that doesn't really explain why he's so skinny, does it? _…fuck, I just don't get it..._

For once, Aomine doesn't fall asleep after doing too much thinking.

In fact he doesn't sleep at all on many nights, the nagging worry about Kise keeping him up even when his body screams for rest.

* * *

When Aomine sees Kise by chance in the hallway, the whole world seems to stop for a moment. Kise’s smiling and talking to some girl as per usual, but it's all somehow off.

It's like Kise is just a shadow of his old self. He's so thin Aomine swears he would break just from looking; his smile is like a mocking copy of the radiance of the smile that always seemed to light up the whole room. It's Kise, Aomine knows it is, and yet it feels like someone entirely different.

Seeing Kise, the sunshine of the Generation of miracles, like that really clenches and twists at Aomine's heart. It fucking _hurts_.

No matter what, Aomine has to find out what's going on with Kise. Otherwise he won't be able to sleep (and that is quite an achievement, considering he usually sleeps pretty much everywhere).

* * *

"Oi Satsuki!" After thinking about it some more, Aomine reaches the conclusion that he needs advice from someone who possibly has an idea what's going on with Kise. Akashi and Kuroko would probably know the best but they're ruled out immediately - Akashi because Aomine's pretty sure that if he admitted to still not having figured out Kise's issue, the captain would kill him for real, and Kuroko because Aomine has a feeling Kuroko wants him to figure it out on his own - so the next best person is Momoi.

And okay, maybe Midorima too but Aomine really doubts he would spill anything.

So Momoi it is. And that's just fine because he knows she'll understand how serious Aomine is about wanting to understand the situation and help Kise.

“…" The look of disappointment along with the pregnant silence is not the reaction Aomine expects. He doesn't back off, though, just repeats the question.

"You know what's been bugging Kise lately, right? So tell me. I hate being the only one who doesn't know anything." Momoi keeps regarding him with cold eyes and after a few minutes sighs.

"You really are dense, Dai-chan."

“Ha?”

"I'm sure Tetsu-kun and Akashi-kun have already talked to you about Ki-chan," Momoi says patiently, as if talking to a child.

Aomine frowns. "Yeah, but they never said exactly what was going on with him. Just that I should pay more attention to my surroundings. Which I have," he adds to defend himself. Because damn, he really has, but that hasn't helped any. 

There is _something_ he has realised, though. 

"I mean I figured out that Kise probably likes me…" Momoi scoffs loudly, so Aomine amends, "Okay, he likes me for sure and I get that it's awkward for him to be with me so he avoids me instead but what's with the sudden enthusiasm to lose weight? Come on, Satsuki, just tell me."

Momoi waves a hand, as if trying to bat away the stupidity in Aomine. She opens her mouth, then closes it again, and finally sighs, running fingers through her long hair.

"Ki-chan is under a lot of pressure, being a model and all. He has to look good all the time, always be willing to smile for his fans, that kind of things."

"Well I can say that nowadays he doesn't look good at all."

The warning look Momoi gives him shuts Aomine up quickly.

"Anyway, because of that, he already felt really stressed and everything but then..." Momoi tries to look for words. "This is going to sound really horrible, but I think it would've been better if you two hadn't met, Dai-chan.”

She has a pleading expression on her face as she turns her eyes up to Aomine, as if asking him to understand without her having to say the actual words. He just stands there, frozen by Momoi's words. 

"People don't talk about it too much, because it's considered to be more of a girls' problem, but guys can have eating disorders too. And it's not like it's your fault, it's just that..." Momoi trails off, looking extremely troubled and almost ready to cry. She opens her mouth but no more words come out, just a strangled sob.

There are so many thoughts flying around in Aomine's head that it feels like his head will explode. So Kise has an eating disorder? What can he do about that? No, Momoi said something even more disturbing than that...

" ...it's not my fault? But it would've been better if we'd never met? What the hell, Satsuki, just tell me! Does he think I'll start liking him if he becomes a walking skeleton or something?!"

Momoi flinches and presses her eyes closed. Suddenly her cheeks are wet with tears and she's screaming at Aomine.

"It's not like it's fun not to tell you, Dai-chan, but we all thought you'd figure it out sooner or later! I mean, even if you're not all that smart, it's been kind of obvious for a while now. But you just... you just wouldn't get it!" She pauses to draw a breath.

"And no, it's not your fault, but I'm pretty sure that falling for another guy just added to his stress level and I don't know what he's thinking either but damn it, Dai-chan, he's always been really desperate to be accepted by you! You _know_ that!”

Aomine can't even get his mouth open anymore. All he can do is stare at his best friend who just can't stop crying. Momoi hiccups, her face a mess.

"Ki-chan really needs help and support right now, he can't get through this by himself, so please Dai-chan…"

"...how the hell would I know what to do? It's not like I know anything about eating disorders, or how to make someone eat again...!" Aomine buries his face in his hands. "Fuck, Kise… why would you do something like this…?"

Momoi tries to get herself under control but to no avail, her whole body trembling with the force of her sobs. "I talked with his manager a couple of days ago and she said that they'd actually asked him to lose some weight a few months ago-"

Aomine raises his head. "What? So it's their fault after all?"

“…eating disorders aren't anyone's fault, and I know Ki-chan didn't want this either. It won't be enough if you try to help him by yourself but…" Momoi pauses to swallow back some tears. "I mean, Ki-chan won't heal just because you tell him to start eating again but I don't really know what else to do, you know? I'm willing to try anything to help him. Because I hate seeing Ki-chan like that. It's like he's not even himself anymore.”

Yeah, that's something Aomine can wholeheartedly agree to.

"Please, Dai-chan, go talk to him. Tell him you're okay with him liking you. Just make him feel accepted and ask him to come back to practice. There's got to be something we can do, like make him see a doctor or - or – I don't know, just talk to him, Dai-chan!"

* * *

After taking an eternity to get Momoi to calm down, Aomine walks her home. After somehow making it into his own house, he collapses on the bed and stares at the ceiling without really seeing it. He feels empty and unreal, as if he isn't really awake.

Time to do some more thinking.

Okay, so he's been quite certain that Kise does like him for a while now, and he's surprisingly okay with that. They're friends and both guys but still, Kise liking him doesn't feel disgusting or anything like that.

But then comes the second thing, the real issue. Eating disorder. Of course Aomine's heard the words before, but what does it really mean?

Apparently it's not just about eating, it's about, well, everything. Kise's changed so much that even his closest friends barely recognise him. And yeah, Aomine really wants to help.

Then there's the fact that for some reason, Akashi, Kuroko and Momoi all think he's the one who can make a difference. But how? Just talking wouldn't help; besides, Aomine's never been so great with words to begin with, and he already screwed up once when he tried talking. Then again, back then he didn't even know what was wrong – trying to blindly fix a problem doesn't really work, does it?

Something Momoi mentioned in the conversation suddenly occurs to Aomine. Make him feel accepted, she said. Accepted, huh. So could this all be because Kise feels he isn't accepted?

_How could that be, he's a model with tonnes of fans for fuck's sake!_

Knowing the name of Kise’s problem doesn’t make the situation any better; Aomine doesn’t get much sleep that night either.

* * *

Here's how it starts.

Kise misses his footing in the stairs, and as he inevitably starts falling, a fascinating thought occurs to him. What if he never landed? What if he just floated through the air like the perfect being he’s aiming to be?

But no, he isn't perfect. He's a failure with scars all over his wrists (because that one time was nowhere near enough to punish him) and fat everywhere in his body so of course gravity would do its trick.

And as fate would have it, at the foot of the stairs is the one person he most definitely does not want to see right now.

Aomine.

Aomine looks up just in time to see Kise falling towards him. His eyes widen but he spreads his arms, catching Kise just as he very ungracefully loses the last of his balance and crashes down.

They both end up on the floor, Kise in Aomine's embrace and somehow unscathed. He scrambles free from Aomine's hold and jumps up, fully intending to just flee the scene and pretend it never happened; there are only a few other students around and they seem relieved to see Kise didn't get hurt, getting back to whatever they were doing before the whole tripping incident.

Kise's already taken a few steps away when his name is called.

"Oi, Kise. Wait."

He stops but doesn't turn around. "Aominecchi...?"

"Yeah, it's me. I still want to talk to you, believe it or not."

Kise turns around to look at Aomine. He's smiling but there's nothing real about it. It's all forced and mechanical. "Okay, then talk."

* * *

In all honesty, Aomine doesn't feel like being nice to Kise. He wants to grab the boy's shoulders and shake him until he understands what he's doing to himself and all the people who care about him. He wants to force Kise to eat until his bones don't shine through his skin anymore.

But Kise's sick, he reminds himself. It’s not like forcing him to eat would be a long-term solution. He has to realise how sick he is and get help.

"I liked you better when you were playing basketball and always challenging me to one-on-ones. But I do like you now too," he hurriedly adds. "It's just haven't seen you lately and I feel like don't know what's going on with you anymore. And I miss playing basketball with you."

Kise's still smiling but now there's definitely panic in his eyes. Aomine rushes to continue.

"So, just come back to practice, okay? We all miss you. You're an important teammate and a friend too." He breathes in slowly, preparing for the last thing he wants to say. If he gets this right, maybe he'll get through to Kise and make things better. Talk is cheap, and Aomine doesn't really believe he can make that much of a difference, but it's definitely worth a shot. Anything to get the old Kise back.

"I don't hate you or think you're disgusting just because you like guys. I still want to be your friend. So if there's ever anything you want to talk about, you can always come to me. I'll listen and do my best to help, promise."

Kise doesn't respond in any way. He just stands there, that weird smile-like expression still stuck on his face.

"…Kise?"

"I'm okay with not coming to practice. We'll graduate and end up going our separate ways soon anyway, so why not just quit now and make it easier?" The smile finally disappears and is replaced with an expression Aomine's never seen on Kise before.

He looks so cold and uninterested, nothing like the puppy Kise who would cling to his teammates and always play with enthusiasm. No, this isn't Kise.

Why is this happening? Why can't he do anything? 

"I miss you, Kise…"

"What? I'm right here."

"No, it's not the you I know." Aomine searches Kise's face for any kind of recognition of what he's talking about but there's nothing of the sort. Just that unfamiliar aloofness.

"What can I do to help? I don't know anything about this kind of stuff and despite what everyone thinks, I can't do shit." Aomine groans in frustration. Kise blinks.

"But I'm fine, Aominecchi."

_No you_ _’re not!_

“…you really think that?"

Kise avoids Aomine's eyes as he mumbles a yes. But just that uncertainty in his own words makes Aomine step forward and grab Kise’s arm. Kise flinches, trying to pull away, but Aomine's grip on his arm is firm.

"Look, I don't know what you see when you look in the mirror, but what I see when I look at you isn't what I'd like to see. I just want the old Kise back, okay? I miss him a lot and I'm really worried about you. So seriously, if there's anything you want to talk about, just come to me."

Kise pulls away from Aomine again without a warning, making his hand to slide down his arm to his wrist. Aomine instinctively squeezes a bit harder, trying hard to not let Kise get away, not at all prepared for feeling something sticky on his fingers.

Confused, Aomine lets go to inspect his hand and Kise flees immediately.

Aomine doesn't really even register that though because the stickiness in his fingertips is…

"...blood?"

Well fuck.

(And doesn't the whole Aomine trying to get through to Kise and Kise running away feel like a repetition of that fuck-up of a conversation in the locker room?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kinda hoping I can post all of this fic by the end of this month, Kise's birthday is next month and I'd like to write sth happier for that lmaooo 
> 
> anyway, feedback is much appreciated!


	5. The one who loves him

Why?

Why did Aomine try to act like he cared again? He never has before and suddenly now he's _so_ concerned about Kise's life.

( _I don't know what you see when you look into the mirror, but what I see when I look at you isn't what I'd like to see._ )

What a joke. As if Aomine could have actually meant anything of what he said. How could he not be disgusted by Kise's mere existence?

And what was all that talk about missing the old Kise? Who would miss that fat failure with no control over his eating? The only thing that's changed is his diet and if Kise himself thinks he's doing better nowadays, Aomine shouldn't have any complaints. Or anyone else, for that matter.

That's right, he's doing great nowadays. He has so much control over his body, and everyone looks at him with such adoration and envy. He's well on his way to being perfect but there's always a little more weight to lose, a little more effort to pay.

And for that reason, he doesn't need anyone telling him they're worried about him. Especially not Aomine.

That basketball idiot's going to fall in love with the perfect him.

* * *

Running into Akashi outside of practice is not something Aomine has hoped for; at least during club activities he can pretend to be so concentrated on playing that he can't talk with the captain. When Akashi spots him in the hallway, however, Aomine knows there’ll be hell to pay if he runs away. So he stops and waits for Akashi to get to him.

"Ryouta still hasn't come back to practice," Akashi says. Aomine is relieved to hear no accusation in his tone.

"I tried my best to get some sense into him but I guess it didn't work out. You can't think it's my fault anymore because I really did try to help, plus it's not like I wanted him to do this either! It's Kise's problem, right, if he decides to lose weight." Still, offense is the best defence, right?

"I never said I thought it was only your fault, Daiki. This whole thing is a sum of many factors, of which you may be one. I wouldn't know though; I can't read Ryouta's thoughts." Akashi sighs. "I thought it'd be good for you to be the one to talk to Ryouta because he looks up to you.”

Aomine looks at Akashi. That tone almost sounded like Akashi was... apologising to him? Nah, couldn't be, Akashi probably doesn't even have the word apology in his vocabulary. "What's he looking up to me got do with anything?"

"The first step to recovery with eating disorders is for the patient to admit to being sick. And that is usually the hardest part of the process." Akashi turns his back to Aomine and starts down the stairs, Aomine following him closely.

"But if someone you really admired asked you to do something, wouldn't you at least try to do it, no matter how difficult it was? I thought that maybe Ryouta would listen to you and start paying attention to what he's doing to himself. If you, who cares about nothing but basketball, actually cared enough to tell him to start eating again, maybe it'd change things. At least enough for Ryouta to realise he's sick and seek professional help."

Aomine stops. He can't really argue with that. He still thinks they could have told him, though. 

"And that's also why we didn't want to tell you, Daiki. It would have been better for you to figure it out by yourself; then your concern would have been real."

"It's real now too," Aomine retorts. That gets a smile from Akashi.

"I'm happy to hear that, Daiki. I assume you'll do your best to help him in the future too?"

"Yeah, of course. He's one of my best friends, you know." Aomine stops and hesitates. _Maybe it's got nothing to do with the eating disorder, maybe Kise just had a cut or something._

"Is there something you'd like to tell me?" Akashi asks softly, inspecting Aomine's conflicted expression closely.

"Well I don't really know if it's related but… Kise was bleeding the last time I saw him." Aomine fidgets uncomfortably. "His wrist... I just thought he might've done it himself."

“…Ryouta's self-harmed?"

"I don't know, he just bled when I squeezed his wrist," Aomine replies, wishing he'd never brought it up; Akashi has a dangerous look on his face.

"If he really has cut himself, his modelling agency must've noticed, don't you think?" Akashi says pensively, reaching for his phone. "Thank you, Daiki, you can go now."

Although he feels like he shouldn't just obey Akashi without asking anything, Aomine leaves. Akashi's remark about the modelling agency noticing Kise (possibly) cutting bothers him.

They can't be blind to Kise's weight loss either, right? Then again, they were the ones who asked him to get thinner in the first place, so maybe they're actually happy about it… but still, Kise doesn't even look healthy anymore, how could they want him to model when he's like that?

_Man, life used to be so easy when my biggest concern was my favourite basketball shoes getting too worn out to use._

* * *

He can't help it. When his last class ends, his feet end up taking him to the gym. At the door he stops and listens to the squeak of shoes and the bounding of the basketball against the hard floor. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does but he suddenly feels like crying.

He misses practice.

He misses playing with everyone, hanging out with his teammates after practice; he even misses the times he'd be made fun of.

For a moment he actually considers stepping in and joining them.

(What's stopping you?)

_I can't go._

(Why not?)

_They don't treat me the same. They don't think I'm the same as before. We're not friends anymore. I just can't go._

(But you're so pretty now.)

_Pretty? That's not enough. I'm not perfect, so I'm not good enough for Aominecchi or any of them._

(So you care about their opinion more than everyone else's?)

…

_I'm not going._

Kise turns away from the door, only to bump into Kuroko.

"K-Kurokocchi!"

"Before you ask, I've been here for only a few seconds and I was just about to call out to you, Kise-kun," Kuroko says evenly as his eyes wander over Kise's body. Kise flinches under the scrutiny, unconsciously pulling his sleeves lower.

"Are you coming to practice today?"

"Eh? No, I just… happened to walk past the gym, and I thought I'd see how practice is going.” Kise takes a step away from Kuroko, frantically looking for an escape route.

"But you look like you want to go in."

"Kurokocchi, I can't go, really. I don't feel good and, um…"

"I don't think anyone of us will have the patience to wait until the time you feel better, Kise-kun. Especially since it might never come," Kuroko says in a voice so quiet that Kise amost can't hear him. But he does, and Kuroko's words set panic in his heart. 

"What do you mean? I know I'll be better soon. There's just so much stuff going on, with modelling and everything…”

"...I'm sorry but I don't think anyone can believe that."

"Eh? That's mean, Kurokocchi!" Kise fakes a horrified expression even though he knows his cover's blown. Why does everyone have to keep interfering when he's doing _fine_?

Kuroko clenches his hand into a fist. "If you keep this up, you will die, Kise-kun. And I don't want that to happen!"

Kuroko grabs Kise's tie and pulls on it hard, bending him down to match Kuroko's height. For a split second, Kise simply stares at Kuroko, his eyes widened by surprise.

_(If Kurokocchi finds out I've cut, he'll tell someone and make me stop. But I can't let that happen, I still haven't achieved perfection-)_

Then, just as Kise's about to pull away and flee the scene like he always does nowadays (why can't they just leave him _alone_?), something presses against his lips, gently yet firmly.

His brain short-circuits.

_Did Kurokocchi just kiss me? No, why would he, they don't care, they never have, they'd never accept me as their equal, they're so much better than me_ _–_

Kise's legs give way and he drops to the floor ungracefully.

Behind his back, Aomine, Akashi, and Momoi stand in the doorway and stare at Kuroko with varying levels of shock and confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is why I tagged one-sided KuroKise, so don't worry this is still AoKise


	6. You're so brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm like 99% sure the title is from Den romantiske tragedien by Kaizers Orchestra, I love the band and I have a faint recollection of listening to that song a lot around 2013

It doesn't make sense.

Kise likes Aomine, that's a fact, and somehow Aomine's okay with it.

What he's not okay with, however, is the scene he's just witnessed.

"Tetsu, did you just kiss Kise?" He doesn't actually need to ask that; he, Akashi and Momoi all saw what happened just seconds before. However, his brain refuses to believe it. Kuroko has never shown any signs of wanting to kiss Kise before this, hasn't he always been annoyed when Kise has draped himself around his shoulders?

"And what if I did?" Kuroko looks at Aomine and the usual lack of emotion is gone. Now there's challenge in his eyes. That throws Aomine off.

“…well, it's – I mean why? Do you like him or something?" This whole situation makes less sense the longer it drags on and Aomine can't understand anything. Isn't Kuroko supposed to be, like, his best friend besides Momoi? So how come hasn't he ever heard anything about Kuroko having feelings for Kise?

And what's with the hostile way Kuroko's looking at him with right now?

"A-Aominecchi, it's fine…" Kise mumbles in a small voice. He's slumped on the floor, his arms draped around himself as if he's trying to protect himself from something.

"What?! No it's not fine, he fucking _kissed_ you!"

Kise shifts, pulling his sleeves lower. "I don't mind, I just want to go home. Can I?"

"Kise, what the hell-"

"Don't talk to Kise-kun like that, Aomine-kun," Kuroko snaps, surprising Aomine. Surprised as well, Kise looks up and opens his mouth to say something but whatever he's got on his mind never gets out as Akashi steps forward, extending a hand to Kise.

"You can go home for now, Ryouta. But I want to talk to you tomorrow. Don't forget."

Kise nods and gets up with Akashi’s help, his legs a bit shaky. As Kise walks away unstably, Aomine turns to Akashi, completely outraged.

"What the fuck is going on in here?! Why did you just let him go? And Tetsu, what the hell do you think you're doing? Don't you think Kise's troubled enough as is without you adding into it?!" The words just pour out of him before he can stop. He feels so betrayed. Isn't Kise supposed to be in love with _him_ , not Kuroko?! And yet it was Kuroko who just kissed Kise, not Aomine.

And damn it, the thing that pisses him off more than anything is the fact that he has no idea _why_ he's so angry.

Akashi and Kuroko don't flinch, they just stand there and take all of Aomine's anger, and that enrages him even more.

"Come on, why can't anyone ever tell me anything?!"

"Dai-chan, we should get back to practice," Momoi says suddenly, tugging Aomine's arm. He shakes her off, turning to Kuroko who avoids his eyes.

"So you're just not going to explain anything, huh, Tetsu?" No response. Aomine clenches his hand into a fist, ready to punch something or someone to relieve at least some of the frustration bubbling inside him.

"You can leave early too, Daiki," Akashi interrupts. "In fact, tell everyone to go home."

"Come on Dai-chan, let's walk home together," Momoi says quietly and pulls Aomine with her before he can do anything to Akashi or Kuroko. The two stay behind, Kuroko all tense and Akashi with an unreadable expression on his face.

* * *

"I should go too," Kuroko mutters.

"Tetsuya."

Kuroko doesn't turn around to face Akashi. "What is it, Akashi-kun?"

"I thought I would never have to interfere with the situation but with this turn of events I must." Akashi pauses, waiting for a reaction, but Kuroko stays silent. "I know you resent Daiki because the one you like is in love with him. It must be difficult for you to handle that, but I still don't think you should stop being friends with Daiki because of Ryouta."

"I don't think that's any of your concern."

Akashi sighs and moves closer to Kuroko. Kuroko flinches but doesn't move. "Your feelings for Ryouta will not last forever, Tetsuya. However, friendships can last for a lifetime. That's why you should choose Daiki over Ryouta."

"What if I _will_ be in love with Kise-kun for my whole life?"

"I don't think what you feel for him even now is love. You're mistaking purely friendly affection for love," Akashi says patiently, his eyes never leaving Kuroko's back.

“…”

"But the final choice is yours, Tetsuya. Just remember that if you choose to ruin your friendship with Daiki, you could end up losing your best friend _and_ having your heart broken." Akashi turns to leave.

"…Akashi-kun." Kuroko takes a deep breath. "I do love Kise-kun. And I know that he won't return my feelings just because he can't have Aomine-kun. But Aomine-kun doesn't understand how lucky he is to have Kise-kun liking him."

Akashi's silence seems to encourage Kuroko to continue.

"I just wish Kise-kun could at least be happy…" Kuroko buries his face in his hands, trying to hold back the tears. "There's nothing I can do…! I'd do anything to help, even if only by a little, but whenever I try to talk to him, he'll just pretend that nothing's wrong. And then he'll… he'll just _smile_."

Kuroko slumps to the floor. Akashi carefully approaches him and kneels next to him, says, "It's all right. I'm sure we all feel like crying... including Ryouta."

That's all it takes for Kuroko to finally give in to his tears. He clutches at Akashi's arm and just cries.

* * *

"I never knew Tetsu-kun liked Ki-chan.” Aomine is startled out of his thoughts by Momoi's voice. She sounds sad and yet she's smiling when Aomine looks at her.

"But well, I guess his hostile attitude towards you makes sense if he really does have a crush on Ki-chan." She laughs, pulling her hair out of her face. "l guess me and him both have our hearts broken then."

"Why just Tetsu and you? What about Kise then?"

Frowning, Momoi looks at Aomine. "All that yelling at Tetsu-kun and Ki-chan, and you’re still denying it? Ahh, I guess you really are an idiot, Dai-chan."

"Wh-? Oi Satsuki, stop calling me an idiot!"

"You were annoyed, right?"

"Well, yeah I guess. But- Kise's supposed to like me and yet Tetsu kissed him and Kise didn't seem to mind! I mean, that's just weird!" Aomine starts seething with rage again just from thinking about it. "And then what was up with them both just ignoring me like that?! If Kise doesn't like me anymore and wants to be with Tetsu instead, he should just tell me and not..." he trails off after realising he doesn't know where he's going with the sentence. Doesn't it sound an awful lot like he's…

"Oh my gosh, you're jealous!" Momoi exclaims loudly and geez, what's with the ecstatic expression? Wasn't she about to cry because of having her heart broken just now?

Aomine punches her arm half-heartedly. "Fuck off, I'm not jealous, just weirded out.” He sighs. "It just feels like I don't have the slightest clue what's going on with my friends. I mean, first Kise, now Tetsu. I sure hope you're not gonna go all weird on me too, Satsuki."

Momoi smiles wistfully. "Yeah, it does seem like everyone's suddenly changing, doesn't it..."

They walk in silence for a while, both lost in thought.

"Hey, Dai-chan."

“Hm?”

"You'd better figure out your feelings for Ki-chan soon, okay? We're going to graduate in a few months and if you end up in different schools, who knows what might happen?"

"My feelings? I already know, he's my friend," Aomine replies quickly but that's not really true. There's a nagging voice inside his head that tells him that his reaction earlier was most definitely derived from jealousy, not concern for a friend.

He doesn't understand how Kise could make him feel this way and it's a bit scary, because he's never liked a guy before. He's never liked someone he was initially friends with either, so he's really at a loss for words.

“…as long as you continue to support Ki-chan, I guess it's fine," Momoi says. She's clearly disappointed in Aomine's reply but she drops the subject, for which Aomine is grateful.

He's definitely not ready to admit he likes Kise even to himself, let alone someone else, that's why he'll lie.

But someday he'll tell the whole wide world how important one idiot blond called Kise Ryouta is to him; after all, that's something he's known for a while now.

What remains to be seen is whether 'important' will ever come to mean he loves Kise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone catch the ffx reference in this chapter? no? just me who knows the dialogue well enough to realise there even is a reference? okay


	7. Such a lovely day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Picnic by the motorway by Suede

He stands in front of a mirror and just stares.

His body is disgusting.

_Disgusting._

He's fat, ugly, covered in scars and just completely disgusting to look at.

And yet…

Kuroko likes him?

_Why? Why would he choose me? Aominecchi's so much better, he's so cool, he can do anything, and they're light and shadow. So why me?_

The mirror doesn't provide any answers.

* * *

"Akachin told me to remind you to go see him today after school," Murasakibara says, startling Kise out of his thoughts. Really, he shouldn't doze off during class like that. He must've looked so stupid.

"A-Akashicchi? Right, I remember." He really does; he just wishes Akashi didn't.

"Good luck.” Murasakibara pats him on the head and leaves. Kise thinks he's definitely going to need lots of good luck to survive meeting with Akashi.

Later, Kise discovers a maiubo in his bag; with a confused smile, he throws it into a trash can.

* * *

"Tetsu!” Kuroko stops. There's only one person who calls him that and that person also happens to be the person he does not want to see or talk to right now. Still, he’s too polite to completely ignore the boy who soon comes to a halt next to him.

"I wanna talk," Aomine declares. Kuroko raises an eyebrow.

"About what?"

"About what happened yesterday. And, uhh, about your feeling for Kise." Aomine scratches the back of his head, clearly embarrassed. "I mean, we're friends, right? You could've told me you liked him."

"What would you have done with that information, Aomine-kun?" Kuroko's voice is icy but his expression remains as unfazed as ever.

"I-I don't know but finding out about it like that wasn't exactly fun! I totally freaked out!"

“…”

"Seriously, I have no idea what it feels like to have your crush liking your best friend but it's not like I asked Kise to start liking me either. And you're both my friends. Kise needs support right now, and you being mad at me won't really help."

Kuroko hesitates. To be honest, he wants to go back to being just friends with Kise and Aomine too; back to the time when none of them had developed romantic feelings towards each other. But that's all in the past.

"...I'm sorry Aomine-kun, but I don't think any of us can be happy as long as we have feelings besides friendship for each other. And since Kise-kun can't really... get rid of you right now, I'll be the one to back out." He bows slightly and disappears before Aomine can get his act together enough to react.

"Wh- oi, can't we just talk about it?!" he shouts after Kuroko but gets no reply.

* * *

Kise stands in front of Akashi's classroom, hesitant. School's over already, and most people have gone home. He really wishes he was one of those lucky bastards. Of course he could've left, however, the fact that it's Akashi who wants to talk him made him stay. He doesn't have a death wish, after all.

Kise fidgets with his sleeves as he steps in, keeping them pulled low to hide the scars from Akashi's eyes. He has a feeling Akashi knows anyway, though, so maybe it's pointless.

"Ryouta." Kise flinches at the sound of his own name. Akashi stares at him with an unreadable expression.

"You wanted to talk.” Kise shifts his weight from one to another and avoids Akashi’s piercing gaze.

"Talk to me," is the next sentence that leaves Akashi's lips. Kise frowns, cocking his head to the side, and stays quiet.

"Talk to me, Ryouta," Akashi repeats, his tone a bit more demanding this time.

“…about what?"

"Anything you want. If there's anything on your mind, things that worry you, things that make you happy, anything. You choose." Akashi smiles. Not in that faked sweet way that really means 'I'm going to kill you'; it's an actual, encouraging smile.

And before he realises, Kise's letting all of his insecurity pour out in incoherent sentences, with strangled sobs here and there.

"I-I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. At the modelling agency they tell me to try harder, look prettier, be skinnier, always do something more. But what if I just can't? What if I've already offered them my best and that isn't good enough for them?" He draws a shaky breath and continues.

"I can never beat Aominecchi in basketball either. No matter how much better I get, he gets better too. And he won't ever like me. I should've been fine with being just friends. I should've. I'm not that good at school either, I'm not good at cooking, the only thing I've got is my looks and if that doesn't suffice then what will? And I'm tired of faking a smile all day long even when I feel like crap. I have bad days too, I can't always feel like smiling, can I?!"

Akashi doesn't make a sound. All he does is offer Kise a handkerchief which Kise takes eagerly before resuming his ranting.

"I'm just so tired of being _me_ , Akashicchi. I can't keep up with all these expectations. I can't be a super model, successful basketball player and the guy who's good at school all at once. And I-"

Before Kise gets any further, Akashi raises a hand, signalling him to stop.

"No one expects that of you, Ryouta. I think the one who most wants you to be all that is you. And we've all seen that you can't handle it, so it's okay for you to give yourself a break."

"But... I'm not worthy of you guys," Kise whispers. "No matter how hard I try, I can't beat Aominecchi even once, and all of you're just going to leave me behind. If we all go to different schools, I know we’ll fall out of touch for sure, and I really don't want that. I like you all so much-"

"We won't stop being friends just because we don't go to the same school, so you don't have to worry about that," Akashi interrupts. His eyes are fixed on Kise's wrists now; Kise flinches under the scrutiny.

( _He knows oh no Akashicchi found out-)_

"Say, Ryouta… what would you say if I told you I got your manager fired? And actually everyone who's been working with you after you started cutting is in a bit of a trouble now." Akashi smiles with a sadistic gleam in his eyes. "They didn't mention anything about it because you're so popular, they'd lose a lot of money if you were to have a break to recover.”

"Akashicchi, I-”

"Unforgivable. They should've made you see a doctor the first time they noticed. You should be grateful that I saved you from those greedy people." Akashi grabs Kise's left wrist and pulls the sleeve up before he has a chance to pull away. When Kise's brain catches up with what Akashi's doing, he tries to fight back.

"No!" Kise's resistance does nothing to stop Akashi. He inspects the mutilated wrist closely.

The number of scars decorating Kise's pale skin is astonishing. Some of the cuts are old and already healing while the most recent ones haven't even properly closed, blood trickling out when Akashi tightens his grip to keep Kise in place.

"…" Silent tears run down Kise's cheeks. _Please please please stop it Akashicchi_ _…_

He doesn't even try to resist when Akashi reaches for his right hand. There are fewer marks on that one, Kise's right-handed after all, but the few ones that are there are deeper than any of the ones on his left wrist.

“Akashicchi…” It's nothing more than a strangled whisper, the last desperate plea to make it stop - maybe he can still pretend no one knows anything? He still has to lose more weight, he can't stop just because Akashi found out about his self-harming.

If Akashi will just let him go, he'll stop abusing his wrists. Cut marks on thighs would be a lot easier to hide, too, not to mention much more meaningful; his wrists already are one of the skinniest parts on his body, whereas his thighs disgust him to no end with how fat and squishy they are.

But then Akashi raises his head and the amount of worry and _hurt_ in his eyes makes Kise come undone.

"No matter what it takes, I'll help you get better, Ryouta. I promise."

Kise opens and closes his mouth for a few times, like a fish on dry land, but as no sound comes out, he shatters.

“I'm so sorry... so, so sorry...” he chokes on his tears, his chest constricting painfully.

Akashi stays by his side as Kise kneels on the ground and tries to remember how to breathe.

( _I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine...)_

( _I'm so sorry, Akashicchi_ _…)_

* * *

"Tetsu won't talk to me." Momoi looks up from her book and returns Aomine's troubled gaze with a sad smile.

"It's gonna be okay," she says comfortingly but Aomine shakes his head.

"I really can't handle losing him too, you know? Having Kise go all weird was bad enough but... I need to talk to Tetsu!" he groans and buries his head in his hands. Momoi comes a little closer, wrapping her arms around her best friend.

“Keep trying. I’m sure Tetsu-kun will listen at some point, once he realises how much you want to keep your friendship, regardless of what either of you feels towards Ki-chan.” She laughs softly. “You might be an idiot but you’re a reliable friend, I wouldn’t want to throw that away just for a crush.”

“Uhh… thanks.” He’s embarrassed; most of the time the two of them express affection by insulting each other, maybe even using slight violence, so having Momoi say something like that feels weird.

It does feel comforting to know there’s at least one person who’s not going to leave him, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly one of my personal fav chapters even after all this time lol


	8. You're my hero for you dare to be honest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from VinterNoll2 by Kent (the song's in Swedish tho)

When was the last he could look into a mirror and be happy with what he sees?

When was the last time he didn't feel the urge to chop off some of the fat in his body?

How could he ever even start modelling with such a fat body? How did the agency not kick him out?

…is it over now that Akashi got them fired?

Where can he go now?

* * *

"I like you, Kise-kun."

Kise freezes. Kuroko's expression doesn't change, even though his fingers slowly curl into a fist.

"I'm sorry," Kise replies eventually, his smile faltering. He knows already, and yet hearing the actual words leave Kuroko's mouth feels completely different. This is real, it's not just Kuroko trying to mess with him by kissing him; this is Kuroko confessing to him in all seriousness.

So all he can do is apologise.

"I know you don't feel the same but I decided to tell you anyway." Kuroko finally tears his eyes away from Kise, turning to look at the ground instead. "I can't do anything for you and I'm sorry," he continues after a while.

"I'll be fine, Akashicchi said he'd do everything in his power to help me." A part of Kise screams at him, saying that he's perfectly fine as he is and doesn't need any help, why would he accept Akashi's ridiculous offer?

Another part of him, however, keeps telling him Akashi is right; he does need help. He needs help because he really wants to get better. He wants to be able to look into a mirror and be okay with what he sees.

If he can do that, everyone else can do it too, right?

"You're wrong, you know. There is something you can do for me, Kurokocchi." Kuroko looks up, curious. Kise smiles.

"Be my friend even after we graduate."

* * *

Aomine can't quite believe the words leaving Kise's mouth. It's not like he wanted to eavesdrop, he just happened to walk past and hear Kuroko confessing so of course he had to stay behind to hear Kise's reply, aka rejection. This, however, is not what he expected.

As Kuroko parts ways with Kise, Aomine stops him.

"...Kise still wants to be friends with you?"

Kuroko shrugs, seemingly not even caring that Aomine just admitted to having eavesdropped on them. "Kise-kun said I could help him just by being there for him."

What the fuck? Kise is in love with Aomine so shouldn't he tell Kuroko to fuck off upon hearing his confession?

Well that might be impossible – no matter how much Kise’s changed, he's still Kise and he's always had a very special spot in his heart for Kuroko. But… Aomine has an even more special spot in his heart, right?

"I want Kise-kun to get better and I know you do too so I think we should work together, Aomine-kun. I'm really sorry about the things said before, I hope we can still be friends." Kuroko is offering him a truce, and the rational part of Aomine's brain knows he should take the chance, but right now he's seething with jealousy.

Kise is in love with _him_ , and he's going to be the one to help Kise get back on his feet. He's the one who's going to bring that stunning smile back to Kise’s face and fuck he can't stand the idea of letting Kuroko anywhere near Kise if that idiot model isn't going to reject him properly.

"I don't care, you can do whatever you want. Why don't you go ask Kise on a date or something, since he likes you so much?!" No, he doesn't want to actually say that. He doesn't mean it. He knows Kise doesn't return Kuroko's feelings and even if he did, there's no way Aomine can let Kuroko be the one to date Kise, so why can't he _shut up_?

Kuroko stares at him and for once his face is full of emotions. Shock, surprise, confusion; something else that Aomine can't quite read.

“…really?"

_No, I didn't mean anything I just said_. "Whatever. Isn't it kinda lame how neither of you can just let go of your feelings, anyway? So you could just lick each other's wounds."

Fuck.

Kuroko's face goes back to a blank but not before a wave of loathing emanates from his eyes, filling Aomine with guilt.

"Tetsu, I'm sorry..." he tries but Kuroko turns on his heels and disappears before he finishes.

"I didn't mean any of that! I'm sorry, okay?!" _Great work, Daiki. Just brilliant. You're so smooth and such a reliable friend._

"I'm sorry, I suck at talking!"

Kuroko doesn't come back.

* * *

Somehow Momoi always manages to find out when Aomine's screwed up; he has no idea how and to be honest he doesn't even want to know. That's why he's not surprised to find Momoi at his doorstep after school, staring at him with cold eyes.

Aomine sighs in defeat. "I know, okay? You don't need to say it."

Momoi sighs too. "Would you really be fine if Ki-chan went on a date with Tetsu-kun? Or if he became his boyfriend?"

Straight to the point, huh. "I don't know. "

"Yes you do and I want to hear you say how you'd feel about it! Because I know that Ki-chan's not staying in Tokyo for high school and if you mess this up, he'll break for real!" Momoi stomps her foot to emphasise her words.

“...what?"

"That's right, he'll be gone, and while I trust that Akashi-kun can make miracles happen, having to get over a broken heart and try to heal from an eating disorder at the same time will be impossible for Ki-chan! So stop being so damn prideful and realise your own feelings!" She lets out a small sob and punches Aomine in the chest softly. "I like Ki-chan a lot too, you know? He's one of my best friends and I can't imagine what it would feel like if something happened to him so please, _please_ , fix this while you still can, Dai-chan."

Suddenly Aomine can't breathe. Kise's going away for high school? He's not going to be around all the time? Sure, Aomine'd thought of them going to different high schools, but he'd always assumed they would both stay in Tokyo so they could meet after school for one-on-ones or whatever.

"...I want to be there for him, I want to make sure he gets better... it can't be Tetsu." He's not really talking to Momoi, it's more thinking out loud than anything, but she seems satisfied with it anyway.

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?"

No, it really wasn't. And being honest with himself fills Aomine with relief. Although... "Tetsu probably won't want to ever talk to me again."

"I'll talk to him for you, okay? You should focus on Ki-chan. Akashi-kun got him an appointment with a doctor and a therapist, but think he'd try extra hard if you went with him." Momoi winks playfully, already in a good mood again. "I really think that he'll do his best if you're there for him. Just like when you're playing basketball and he always pushes himself."

Aomine nods. He's had enough of thinking how exactly he feels about Kise, it's about time he actually does something for the boy.

* * *

Akashi told him that he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to.

The problem is, he's not sure whether he wants to go.

_Will everyone still like me if I'm not thin and beautiful?_

His phone rings. Kise frowns, picking up the device. The caller ID says...

“…Aominecchi?"

"Hey Kise." Aomine sounds embarrassed. "I heard from Akashi that you're seeing a therapist today."

"I am..." Kise trails of, still utterly confused. Why would Aomine talk to him?

"I wanna come with you."

Kise's jaw drops. "Go with me? Why would you... I'm not even sure if I'm going. I mean, I'm totally fine." That's right, he can't forget; Aomine will never love him if doesn't lose more weight.

He has to try harder, no matter what he said to Akashi.

He has to.

…right?

"You're going because if you don't, I'll punch you in the face when I see you for the next time. And that would be bad for your modelling career, right?"

"Well, Akashicchi told me I can't model before I've gained some weight. The agency's not allowed to give me any gigs and if they do, he'll use his father’s connections to shut the whole place down." Kise laughs bitterly. "So for the time being I'm no model."

The line goes quiet for so long that Kise thinks Aomine's hung up.

"...isn't it good that you get time to properly heal?"

“Eh?”

“I’ve been really worried about you lately and all I want is to see you back to the way you used to be. I’ll go with you, I’ll support you. Just… don’t ask Tetsu to do that, okay?” Aomine’s voice is strained with embarrassment. Kise clutches his phone just a little tighter.

“…why would you do that for me?”

“Do what?”

“You being so nice to me makes me think that maybe… you like me or something.”

* * *

Why does it always come to someone assuming Aomine likes Kise nowadays? He’s not sure how he feels about Kise, damn it, and all he wants is some time to think about it.

“You’re my friend, of course I like you. And I’m coming with you to see the doctor so you’d better go there, idiot.”

It’s maybe a bit hesitant but Kise laughs then and it sounds so much like his old self that it sends a pleasurable shiver down Aomine’s spine.

_Ah, this could so easily be love._


	9. I need a miracle, not someone's charity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from I want love from the Silent Hill 3 soundtrack... I know I listen to a very weird range of music lmao

If Aomine thought that just making Kise see a doctor would make a visible change in Kise’s appearance, he's proven to be wrong. It’s been over a month since he practically dragged Kise to the doctor's appointment and yet he can still see the boy's bones shining through his white skin.

"What was the point of doing that if it doesn't have any effect?" Aomine flops to the gym floor with a frustrated groan. Akashi glances at him.

"You're too impatient, Daiki. Eating disorders don't heal that easily, it might take years."

" _Years_?!" Aomine jumps back up. "I don't want to wait that long!"

"Don't want to wait for what? If you really cared for Ryouta, you would wait, no matter how long it takes." Akashi's eyes flash dangerously and Aomine gulps.

"Well yeah, but... he can't play basketball like that. And I want him to be there to chase me, to challenge me to one-on-ones and... and... I need him there, okay?!"

Akashi raises an eyebrow and just stares until Aomine's sweating. "What?!"

"...Ryouta is the one you should say that kind of things to, not me." Akashi turns to Midorima who is now standing next to him, and they start talking about the training menu, blah blah blah... Aomine tunes them out.

Kuroko hasn't shown up to practice ever since Aomine last talked to him, however, Momoi claims she's got the situation under control. Kise hasn't been there either, and while Akashi acts the same as ever, Midorima and Murasakibara seem to be a bit mad at Aomine for chasing Kuroko away (and honestly Aomine himself blames himself for that).

He supposes it’s natural for them to be growing apart anyway; from what he's heard, they're all planning to go to different high schools, except for Momoi, who's going to the same one as Aomine. It’s not like he expected all of them to be friends forever either but somehow he's managed to lose two of his best friends in a relatively short time and that's something he's not fine with. He wants the old Kise back, damn it, the one who would cling to him and Kuroko to the point of being annoying – and yet Aomine would still miss Kise on the days he's not there for one reason or another. Not that he would admit it out loud, of course. And he wants Kuroko back too; Momoi might be his best friend but she's still a girl and there are some things she'll never understand because of that.

* * *

Kise shows up at practice one day. Akashi is the first one to notice him standing at the gym door, wearing his school uniform. Akashi’s lips melt into a rare smile as he calls out to Kise.

"Ryouta."

His voice isn't particularly loud but everyone hears it anyway and stops whatever they're doing to turn to look at Kise. A brief silence ensues before Momoi practically throws herself at Kise, nearly toppling him out of balance, and squeals excitedly into his ear.

"Welcome back, Ki-chan!"

Kise's arms wind around her waist, setting them both straight while a grin makes its way onto his face. "Thanks, Momocchi."

With Momoi still clinging onto him, Kise turns to his teammates with an unsure smile. "Um, hi to you too."

Midorima pushes up his glasses and mutters a barely audible greeting. Murasakibara walks up to Kise and ruffles his hair, offering a half-hearted "good to see you, Kise-chin". Akashi just smiles as Aomine tries to figure out what to say, how to approach Kise who's still frighteningly skinny but even so there's something different about him. He doesn't look as sick as before, his cheeks have gained some colour and - well, Aomine can't quite put his finger on it but yes, Kise does look healthier than before.

And Aomine's so glad to see that.

"You look good," he blurts out and wants to take it back right away because that was not what he intended to say. He wants to make Kise feel accepted, yes, but he also wants him to keep eating and gain weight until he looks even better than now.

But Kise breaks into a smile, his hands finally untangling Momoi from his waist, and walks to Aomine. They're about the same height, Aomine knows that, but even so Kise looks smaller than him when they stand face to face.

"Thanks, Aominecchi." The smile that accompanies the words is so dazzling that Aomine gets lost in it for a moment.

Because it's the old Kise's smile, as bright and full of life as Aomine remembers, no, actually it's even better because Aomine just knows that Kise's going to be okay, he's getting better, he's not going to die and everything's going to be alright.

That realisation fills Aomine with such overwhelming that he can't help but pull Kise into a crushing hug. Kise lets out a surprised yelp, his body tensing, but he doesn't fight back as Aomine whispers into his ear.

"You're amazing, you hear me? You don't have to change anything."

Kise's arms slowly make their way around Aomine and squeeze him back. He doesn't say anything, neither of them does, but they don't really need to either. Aomine knows Kise's going to fight.

And this a battle he will definitely win.


	10. Another day of decomposing light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from In a world called catastrophe by Matthew Good

"I want us to reconcile before graduation." Kuroko looks at Aomine, his usual blank stare in place.

"It didn't seem like that the last time we talked."

And ouch, that really hurts. Aomine gulps audibly. "I'm sorry about that, I just... I was in a bad mood, okay? I didn't actually mean any of it."

That gets him an unimpressed look. Aomine swallows again, nervous. "Come on Tetsu, Satsuki told me she's been talking with you and that you're willing to make up with me if I apologise for being a jerk so please, can we be friends again?"

"...fine, I guess." After a moment's contemplation Kuroko steps closer, offering his hand to Aomine who wastes no time in grabbing it. They both smile. "Let's do our best for Kise-kun."

Aomine nods. It might never be quite the same as it was before this whole Kise-incident but at least they're talking again. For now that's enough.

* * *

It's slow but Kise's definitely recovering. Every time Aomine sees Kise, his cheeks have gained a little more colour and his uniform doesn't look as ridiculously loose on him as previously. It makes Aomine feel incredibly relieved; Kise really is fighting.

There's something else that has been bothering him though. Every time Aomine sees Kise, he feels like he should say something, something important that's just dying to get out. Yet the words fail him every time.

(Not that he even really knows what it is that he wants to say.)

When he mentions it to Momoi, she just huffs and tells him he's an idiot. Aomine messes her hair in retaliation and they start bickering, forgetting the original topic and for a moment he stops worrying.

At night it comes back to haunt Aomine. He dreams of Kise. In the dream Kise keeps chasing him until they reach a dead end. Aomine stops, trying to catch his breath. Kise's face is hidden by shadows as he steps closer and starts talking.

"Say it. You'll feel much better." Kise's smile is so bright it's almost blinding. Aomine blinks, feeling cornered and extremely confused. Yes, he would feel better if he could just say whatever it is that has been bothering him but...

_What do I want to say to you?_

"Don't give up." Kise’s hands are cold as they reach for Aomine's, pulling him closer. "I know you better than anyone, remember? And I know you're close to figuring it out."

"Kise…" _Don't think, feel. You'll figure it out eventually._ "I'll call you every day even if we end up going to different schools."

(The words that Aomine does not say out loud: You're important to me.)

After a brief silence, Kise laughs. The sound bubbles around the two boys like water, so free and full of life, and suddenly Aomine realises that he never wants to lose it.

"You can't go! Stay with me in Tokyo, Kise."

The laughter gets louder, now sounding almost mocking. "Why?"

Aomine takes a step backwards, his back hitting the wall. Kise moves with him, leans closer and repeats the question.

"Why don't you want me to leave Tokyo? Won't you tell me, Aominecchi?"

"I don't know why, dammit!"

Aomine wakes up covered in cold sweat.

* * *

"Aominecchi." He's not used to hearing Kise call out to him in such a calm manner, as if he's not really all that happy about seeing Aomine. Shouldn't Kise be overjoyed now that things are going back to normal? Doesn't he like Aomine? Isn't he always like an over-excited puppy around him?

"Yo." Not like he could ever say any of that out loud though; Kise would just misinterpret and think he wants Kise to act like he used to and he doesn't, damn it. Not much, at least.

Kise smiles as he gets closer. "So... Momocchi told me you had a fight with Kurokocchi because of me."

"Uh, yeah, kinda. But we sorted that out already, no need to worry." Aomine's wandering gaze lands on Kise's fingers, the way they keep tugging the sleeves lower to hide the bandages Aomine knows are there. His lips tighten. "I mean, we agreed that we both just want to support you, okay? We're... friends after all."

Fuck, Kise definitely notices the way he hesitates before saying the word 'friends'; his smile falters for a bit. "Yeah, I suppose we are."

An awkward silence follows and Aomine curses inwardly. Before, calling Kise his friend was nothing but now, it fills his chest with something heavy. Yes, Aomine is Kise’s friend and Kuroko is Kise’s friend too but doesn't that make them the same in Kise’s eyes? That's not how it is. Aomine knows he’s special.

(He _wants_ to be special.)

With so many thoughts racing through his head Aomine is too distracted to say anything for a while. Kise seems to misinterpret the silence and laughs quietly.

"Relax, Aominecchi. It's not like I'm going to like you for the rest of my life. We'll go back to being just normal friends eventually." Kise's smiling as he says that, his tone is light and with a shock Aomine realises that he's serious. Kise's saying he won't wait forever for Aomine, he won't be there to welcome him with open arms if Aomine one day realises that being friends isn't what he wants from Kise.

He'll lose the chance to be with Kise and that's... a really scary thought.

If he'd stopped to think about it earlier, he would have seen that of course Kise would give up eventually. No one in their right mind would pine after the same person for all of their life, right? Aomine wouldn't, that's for sure. So did he really think Kise would wait for him?

(He did.)

But he doesn't anymore. Because now he knows that Kise's already deemed it impossible and is willingly giving up.

"What? Don't stare at me like that, it's creepy." Kise turns away with a slight pout. "Anyway, wanna go to Maji with me? I haven't tried their newest burger."

"Huh? Maji?" Aomine takes a step backwards, blinking rapidly to clear his head. Kise's cocking his head to the side now, looking at him cutely and damn Aomine wants to just grab him and - and –

And what? Hug him? Kiss him? Nah, he's not gay.

...right?

Damn it, being with Kise has been making him feel really weird lately.

"Well, if you don't wanna go that's fine, I'll just ask Momocchi. Or maybe Midorimacchi, Akashicchi or Murasakicchi would join me? Kurokocchi at least would love to accompany me." Kise pouts a little but there's something glinting at the corner of his eye and Aomine knows Kise already knows he's going to say yes even though he's pretty sure his expression isn't giving it away (but at times Kise is frighteningly good at reading people. Maybe he's learned from Akashi and Kuroko).

Fuck him, right.

"Come on idiot, I'm taking you there. Just to make sure you actually finish that whole thing."

Aomine's comment makes Kise's eyes go slightly wider but in a second he's all smiles again, grabbing Aomine’s arm and dragging him along.

Aomine does not want to think about why his arm feels hot where Kise's fingers are wrapped around it.

* * *

"It's been a while since I've been here," Kise sighs as they take their seats by the window, at the table they've always sat at when they've gone to Maji. He unwraps his burger and bites into it, Aomine's eyes following his every movement. Kise chews for a moment before exclaiming, "This is good! Wow, I can't believe I couldn't allow myself to eat here for months."

"That's 'cause you're an idiot," Aomine replies with a smirk as he too starts eating. Kise pouts, as expected, reaching over the table to smack Aomine's shoulder and Aomine dodges with ease, smirking arrogantly. Ah, good old times. Aomine has almost forgotten what it feels like to sit with Kise like this, eating and bickering like idiots.

He's so, so glad to finally have the old Kise back.

"You're being creepy again, Aominecchi," Kise whines a moment later, causing Aomine to nearly choke on his burger. Shit, he really has been weird, staring at Kise without being able to help the smile that crawls onto his lips.

_I really enjoy being with him. Why did I never realise it before?_

Wait what?

_Satsuki called me an idiot for not knowing what I feel for Kise, then that weird dream... don't tell me..._

...oh fuck, he's so gay for Kise. Aomine gets up abruptly, feeling Kise's curious gaze on him.

"I need the bathroom," he announces and saunters off.

In the bathroom Aomine walks to the sink, letting the tap run for a moment before he splashes ice-cold water onto his face. He just needs to gather his thoughts, that's not so hard.

Okay, so he likes Kise, he really does. And Kise likes him too, yay. But there's a catch: Kise isn't aware of how he feels and obviously thinks it's one-sided on his part. What's more, Kise seems to be already working on getting over him, and if that's really how it is, he needs to hurry the fuck up.

Yet even the sense of time running out isn't enough to get him to get his shit together and confess, so he needs help.

"Dai-chan..." Aomine can hear from Momoi's voice that she's done with him being an idiot who can't think for himself and always runs to her when he needs help. But that's fine, right now Aomine can cast aside his pride.

"I should confess to Kise, right?" He gets no answer to that. Or actually he does, but it's just a series of squeals, giggling and something that sounds like _I'm so happy for you_ and _Dai-chan's finally growing up_. She's so annoying sometimes.

"So... you're with Ki-chan now?" Eventually she calms down enough to talk normally. Aomine nods, momentarily forgetting she can't see the gesture.

"Yeah, we're at Maji's. I should get back to him soon."

"Well, you already know what you want to say, so why did you even call me?"

Aomine stares at his reflection in the mirror. "Do you think now's the right time? I mean, isn't it kinda sudden?"

"When would be a better time then?" Now she's starting to sound annoyed again. Aomine sighs.

"Okay, okay, I get it, I'm going." Aomine can practically see the smirk on her face as she wishes him good luck. He really is going to need that, luck that is. Because he's never confessed to anyone before this, he has no idea how it's supposed to happen and suddenly it feels like he can't do it after all.

 _Come on. It can't be that hard._ Aomine inhales deeply, once more splashing water onto his face.

If Kise's worked so hard to gain weight, to not cut himself, to get better, Aomine can and will have the courage to tell him how he feels. He exhales, letting out all stray thoughts and doubts still lingering. He can do this. Brimming with confidence, he exits the bathroom.

* * *

"Kise, I like you. Will you go out with me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just trying to get the rest of this done asap, only three more chapters after this...!


	11. I'm indestructible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Indestructible by Matthew Good

Realistically, Kise’s never thought or even dared to dream that Aomine would return his feelings; as far as he knows, the guy's straight. From the very beginning he has been prepared for a broken heart.

Which is why his brain refuses to let him understand what Aomine just said.

"Go out? Wait, you like me? As in, _like_ like?” Kise watches with amusement as Aomine shifts awkwardly, clearly not prepared for this kind of reaction. Well fuck his discomfort, Kise’s definitely more confused than Aomine is.

"So what if I do? You're the one who started liking me first."

"So it's my fault," Kise sighs, distractedly pulling his sleeves lower. He's fantasised about this happening, of course, but in all the scenarios he's created in his head, Aomine has always treated him very sweetly which, to be honest, is rather un-Aomine-like. He sighs again. The reality is, of course, far from sweet; only Aomine would be so cocky when asking someone out.

"You know what? If you really like me, you can do a better confession. And if this is a joke, please stop now."

"Why would I joke about something like this?!" Aomine raises his voice, immediately getting the attention of several other customers. Kise frowns.

"Come on, let's leave. We can talk at my place." Kise gets up, taking his tray with him as he leaves their table. Aomine follows behind.

* * *

"I thought you'd say yes and we could make this our first date or something," Aomine mutters under his breath, feeling extremely dumb. How the fuck did he end up being the embarrassed one? Wasn't Kise supposed to burst into tears and profess his eternal love while kissing Aomine senseless? No wait, Aomine wants to be the one doing the kissing. But otherwise.

"You want to go on a date with me?" Kise's eyes are wide as he turns to Aomine once they've left the restaurant. Oh great, he heard that. Aomine feels even dumber.

"Isn't that what couples do?"

"...you seriously wanna be a couple with me?"

"I do, damn it! Will you get it through your thick head?!" Aomine swats the back of Kise's head for good measure, feeling about ready to burst from anger. Goddamn Satsuki, why did she think it’d be a good idea to confess right now?! He should've waited and thought of a better confession, not just blurted it out when he himself had barely come to terms with his feelings. "I wouldn't confess to a guy as a joke, especially not to you since I already know how you feel and-"

The angry tirade is interrupted by Kise. Or to be more specific, Kise's lips pressing against Aomine's. It's not very long or passionate, more of an experimental type of kiss, yet it still manages to make Aomine's cheeks burn and heart beat wildly.

Kise steps away with a thoughtful look. "Hmm... you taste like teriyaki burger."

He probably does, considering that's what he just ate, but that doesn't matter right now. Aomine steps closer, tilting his head to the side, and kisses Kise again. It gives him a fuzzy feeling in his stomach.

"Aominecchi!" Kise tries to sound reprimanding but he's about to burst into laughter so it doesn't convince Aomine at all. After one more kiss he finally realises they're still in public and pulls away.

“Uh, sorry...”

"Don't be. Do you even know how long I've wanted to kiss you?" Kise smiles but there's a definite hint of uncertainty behind it. Oh damn, Aomine didn't sound like he regretted kissing Kise, did he? Because he doesn't, not in the least. He's just not too sure he wants to do that in public. Kise's a model (well, used to be at least) and it could be bad if people recognised him.

To offer Kise comfort, Aomine extends his hand. That gets him a questioning look.

"Come on, let's go to your place then." The hesitation melts away in an instant as Kise breaks into a smile, stepping closer. Their hands link together, their fingers slowly entwining, and as they start walking, Aomine can't help but think about how close it was that they never got to do this. How close Kise was to giving up, burning out entirely, maybe even dying.

(He's so glad Kise's getting better.)

"So you'll be my boyfriend?" Despite his cocky behaviour, Aomine still needs to hear it from Kise, he needs to know they're really agreeing on what they're getting into.

"Come on, Ahomine! You already know it, right?" Laughter crinkles the corners of his eyes as Kise clings to his arm, batting his eyelashes exaggeratedly. Aomine hits Kise on the head again, mumbling something about him being an idiot, but really it's just to prevent Kise from seeing the blush on his cheeks.

* * *

He wakes up in the middle of the night and it's dark everywhere.

"...hello?"

The silence that greets him is deafening. He shudders. Damn, what is this place? How did he even get here?

He takes a hesitant step forward. No matter where he looks, there's darkness. And he's alone. "Is anyone there?"

His footsteps echo in the void as panic slowly creeps into his heart. It's so dark and quiet and lonely, he wants to get away – wait a minute, there's someone or something behind him, he can feel a stare on his back. That only makes him feel worse.

He doesn’t know how or why, but he gets a bad feeling from whatever is behind him. It's something malevolent, yet familiar, like an old friend that he no longer gets along with. He starts walking faster, trying to get away.

But no matter how fast he runs, the thing is right on his heels, threatening to swallow him if he stops even for a moment. It's scary and he just wants to get away, to not be alone, why isn't there anyone else here...!

A voice, cold and emotionless, suddenly breaks through the silence.

_They don't care, Ryouta. Your so-called friends don't care about you at all. That's why they're not here. You gave up on me but I'll always be here to catch you when you fall. And you will._

"You're wrong! I won't fall or come back to you. I'm getting better all the time and it's all thanks to Akashicchi and Aominecchi and everyone else too! So... you can't say they don't care." His voice sounds so small and fragile in this vastness but he ignores it. He needs to stay strong.

_Oh? You really think they'll love you even when you're fat and disgusting again?_

That stings. His life might not revolve around his weight and the way his body looks anymore but it's still a sore spot. He takes a deep breath – he can't let himself be swept away by the words of the creature that once had him fully in its clutches.

"...yes. I trust them."

His phone pings. For a moment Kise remains motionless, still recovering from the weird dream, before he reaches for his phone.

1 new message. Kise blinks, eyelids still heavy with sleep. It’s Saturday, who would possibly need to contact him so early in the morning? So annoying.

When he sees the text, however, he starts crying and laughing at the same time.

From: Aominecchi

_Let_ _’s play basketball today if you_ _’re free_

See? His friends do care.


	12. Never turn your back on me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Weapon by Matthew Good

Graduation comes so fast it leaves Kise breathless. Now all six of them are going to go their separate ways; they've already found out which schools they're got into and only Aomine and Momoi are going to the same one. That's just fine though; in the privacy of his mind, Kise is actually quite happy to get away from Akashi and it's not like he's ever been especially close to Midorima or Murasakibara either.

Even though it will take a while to fall back into the casual friendship they used to have, Kise firmly believes things will be okay with Kuroko. As for Momoi, well, she's such a sweetheart; Kise feels really privileged to be her friend and he’s going to do his best to not lose her.

Aomine, however, is an entirely different case. Their relationship is much too fresh, much too delicate for them to go to different schools, especially since they're in different prefectures.

So it's natural for him to feel nervous.

"You should talk to Dai-chan about this, not me." Momoi sucks on her straw pensively, trying to get the last drops of her banana milkshake.

"But Aominecchi doesn't want to talk about stuff like that," Kise whines, slumping onto the table. He's already finished his milkshake and once again feels a little baffled about how he was able to keep himself from eating those for such a long time – milkshakes are _good_.

Momoi sighs a little. Really, Kise and Aomine are such silly boys. "Well then make him. I don't know how things are going to work out for you but I do know that lack of communication will kill the relationship for sure. And that's not what you want, right?"

" _I_ don't," Kise replies after a beat of silence. "But what if Aominecchi does? I mean... I'm a guy and it's still gonna take a while before I get back to normal. Aominecchi might not have the patience to wait that long."

"Come on, Ki-chan, give yourself some credit. Dai-chan wouldn't have asked you out at all in the first place if it'd be too weird for him to date you." Momoi reaches over the table to give Kise's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Just make an effort to keep up proper communication and you can do it. And if sometimes it feels necessary to kick him on the butt, well, he probably deserves it."

Kise lifts his head and catches Momoi winking at him mischievously. It makes him smile despite himself; at least Momoi's got her back so that if things fall apart with Aomine, he knows he won't be alone.

He reaches over the table too, holding Momoi's hand longer than she did his but she just smiles, indulging him; she's probably figured out all of his insecurities a long time ago and knows all he really wants (needs) is to be accepted. It makes Kise feel both embarrassed and loved at the same time.

* * *

Luckily enough, Kise gets his chance to talk to Aomine about the future the weekend before they start high school. Aomine's having dinner at Kise's place – Kise's family's gone for the night, leaving them to their own devices – and maybe there are other things two hormonal teenage boys who happen to be dating would want to do but Kise really needs to talk, needs to get it off his chest.

The conversation doesn't go at all like he would have wanted it to, though.

"You... eat, right?"

Kise raises his head and frowns in confusion. His bowl is still half-full with rice and vegetables and he has no plans of leaving it that way; he's actually kind of hungry. "Uhh... yes? I mean I'm eating right now?"

Aomine shrugs, looking a bit uncomfortable. "I meant, like, in general. You eat even when there's no one around to make sure you do, right?"

Kise's lips turn downwards. As cute as Aomine worrying about his health is, it’s also annoying and honestly even somewhat insulting. Eating still isn't easy for Kise, sometimes it takes him hours to finish one serving, but he's doing his best and getting there slowly and that's all anyone has the right to expect from him, isn't it? He can't push himself any more than that.

"I do, thank you very much," he replies, voice heavy with sarcasm. Aomine flinches visibly, seeming to realise he hit a sore spot. Kise doesn't feel much sympathy for his discomfort though.

"No, I meant... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Aomine says quietly, bringing a hand to the side of his neck in embarrassment. Kise focuses on his food again, although he doesn't have much of an appetite anymore. Damn Aomine, he should've just kept his mouth shut; Kise can't eat if he's self-conscious about the fact that he's eating, and now his previously tasty dinner only looks unappealing.

"But it’s just... you still look so skinny."

Seriously? Aomine still didn't get the hint to just let it be? Fuck this guy.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise I have to meet some kind of standards to be able to enjoy your company." Kise tries to keep his voice as even as possible but it’s hard because he feels anger bubbling inside, replacing the warm happiness being with Aomine usually makes him feel.

"Wh- that's not what I was saying-" Aomine starts but Kise doesn't let him finish, not when he's feeling this... disappointed. He really expected more from Aomine but maybe that was stupid of him.

"It's gonna take a while for me to get there, okay? But I'm trying really hard, I really am, I swear I eat as much as I can so I don't need this kind of talk!" Kise doesn't even notice the volume of his voice rising but at the end of the sentence he's practically shouting, slamming his hands against the table for good measure. "It isn't easy for me to eat but I keep doing it because I know I have to... and because I want to get better too but really, if you can't understand even the fact that I'm not gonna heal overnight and go back to looking the way I used to then you can, fuck, I don't know, just _leave_ because I really don't need criticism about that right now!"

For a moment Aomine just sits there, his mouth hanging open, and it makes him look so stupid. And Kise wants to kick him out, tell him to go and never come back but he can't, he won't, he needs Aomine, he needs support right now.

(But what if Aomine can't support him?)

"Why are you so mad?"

"Why? Really? _Why_? I'm so sorry if me being sick makes you uncomfortable!" Kise stands up, desperately trying to hold back the angry tears but already knowing he's fighting a losing battle. Damn it all, he wants to leave the room or, better yet, the house, just to get away from this situation.

"It doesn't, I just wanna know you're gonna be okay!" Aomine gets up too, raising his voice to match Kise's. "I mean, someday! Akashi told me it'll be slow but I... we're not gonna be seeing each other every day in high school and I just need to know you'll be okay because I care about you, there's nothing wrong with that!"

"Well if you really care then stop talking about this right now! I don't like it, I'm doing well enough, can you please just shut up?!" Whatever has been holding Kise's tears back finally breaks and he feels like a human waterfall. There's some clattering that sounds like a chair being scooted back and Aomine getting up but Kise doesn't look his way. He just stands there, clenching his hands into fists and then relaxing them, over and over and over again.

_One, two, three. Breathe. You just need to breathe._

“Then what do you want to talk about?" Aomine's next to him now, touching his arm hesitantly, his voice gentle and soothing.

“...are we going to be okay?" No, that's not a good question. They _are_ going to be okay, Momoi said that all they need is to make an effort and – and Kise will make every effort. "Um, you'll call me, right? And we'll hang out. I'll come to Tokyo and you can come to Kanagawa and we’ll be fine. We will."

"...did you think I wouldn't call you?" Suddenly Aomine's voice gains an edge of steel and it cuts deep within Kise. He keeps his head held high though, refusing to show how much this all hurts him.

"I don't know, did you plan to?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I?!" Now Aomine's getting angry too and oh, why is this so hard? Kise just wanted to calmly talk about his insecurities, listen to Aomine lay down his own and then they'd both laugh at how stupid they are and kiss or something like that. The way it always goes in movies and on tv, that's what Kise wanted.

Or, well, actually anything but _this_ would've been just fine.

Feeling helpless and alone, Kise shakes his head, then nods, then shrugs – he doesn't trust his voice at all and Aomine seems to get the message loud and clear despite Kise never putting it into words.

"Well thank you for trusting me so much!" It's probably supposed to sound sarcastic but it comes out all strangled and frustrated; Aomine turns away from Kise and quietly paces back and forth for a while. Then he looks at Kise again, this time with a stern expression.

"Do you really think we're gonna work out if you think I won't even keep in touch with you when we go to different schools?" Aomine crowds right into Kise's space, grasping his collar and breathing into his face, and Kise instinctively steps back, almost falling when Aomine doesn't let go. "You have to trust me, Kise." Aomine shakes him a little, a hint of desperation creeping into his voice.

"I know that." Kise's voice cracks, only the slightest bit, but he hates himself for it.

"So... can you trust me?"

Yes, Kise wants to say, even opens his mouth already. He does trust Aomine, trusts that his feelings are real, that they're going to be fine.

But...

Kise shakes his head, regretting it already as he does, but he needs to be honest. If he gives an honest answer now, they can start working on their issues, right? He can't lie, even if the truth hurts. So he shakes his head again, unable to look at Aomine.

For a while the hold Aomine has on his collar tightens and it's hard to breathe before he's released. Kise stumbles back a bit.

"What's the point then? Of us dating, I mean." Aomine makes a frustrated noise at the back of his throat. "You can't trust me and I apparently fucked up somehow so... let's just break up."

Kise's heart jumps to his throat and stops. "...what?"

"We're breaking up, that's what you want, right?!"

"No, I... what?"

"You've already decided that I don't care so it doesn't matter what I say, you're not gonna believe me." Aomine sounds so tired and defeated and this isn't what Kise wanted, not even close, and now Aomine's leaving and did they just break up –

He's crying so much he can't even see clearly, just a colourful blur and vague shapes, and suddenly Aomine isn't there anymore either. It's just Kise and his crumbling world.

"A-Aominecchi, don't go," Kise starts, voice uneven and fragile – but he's too late; the front door slams shut and Aomine's footsteps are getting farther and farther, it sounds like he's running.

Suddenly the silence in the kitchen is deafening and it coils around Kise's chest, constricting uncomfortably until he can't even breathe normally anymore.

(He doesn't finish his dinner that night.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally it took me almost 3 years to get the next chapter out after this lmao but don't worry, you guys won't have to wait that long since i already wrote the last chapter back in 2017


	13. Finale

Fuck. Just when things were starting to go well, Aomine had to open his big mouth. Fuck.

Kise hates him, but even more than that he hates himself. For being all fucked in the head, for making Aomine so worried, for always letting Aomine get to him so much. He could've stayed calm if it had been anyone but Aomine. Food and eating aren't easy topics for him, but he could've taken it from anyone else. Anyone but Aomine.

His boyfriend. Except not anymore.

_'We're breaking up, that's what you want, right?! You've already decided that I don't care so it doesn't matter what I say, you're not gonna believe me.'_

The tears start running again, and Kise reaches a hand behind his bed, to the blade stash he's collected over the course of months. He hasn't touched it since he started therapy, and he's been so proud of his progress; it really hasn't been easy to not cut, but right now he needs it. There's something calming in the way a blade can sink into his skin, next to the already healing scars, the way blood pours out when he pushes the blade just deep enough to hit a vein -

the illusion that all the bad feelings could flow out of his body like blood.

"I don't need you, Aominecchi," Kise says to the mirror next to his bed. Only his reflection stares back at him: a mess of a teenage boy, cheeks wet with tears.

So _ugly_.

(Maybe he should turn the mirror to face the wall, just so he wouldn't have to look at his disgusting body.)

* * *

There are only a handful of people Momoi knows that would ring the doorbell after 9 pm, which is why she isn't exactly surprised to find Aomine behind the door when she goes to open it. He's shivering, his hands clenched into fists so tight it almost looks painful, and Momoi doesn't know what to say.

Then she notices he's holding back tears.

Aomine was a cry baby as a child so it's far from the first time Momoi's seen him about to cry, but it is the first time in years that he's let his feelings show through. As she watches, his eyes get even glossier and then he's crying, wiping his eyes with angry movements.

"I didn't mean that... fuck, Satsuki, what do I do now...?" His voice breaks. Momoi's heart squeezes in sympathy; he's such a pain sometimes but she loves him so much, she can't bear to see him upset.

"What happened? Weren't you having dinner with Ki-chan?"

The only response is silence, but something in Aomine's expression changes. Suddenly he looks defeated, not the least of fight left in him. The same expression he wore when Kise was struggling with eating and Aomine had no idea what to do –

...oh no. "You guys had a fight?" Aomine neither confirm nor denies that, he just stands at the doorstep looking so miserable that Momoi can't help pulling him into a comforting hug. Whatever happened was most likely Aomine's fault, he really needs to start thinking before he talks, but for now he can get a little love from his best friend.

* * *

Momoi's usually prides herself in being patient – courtesy of a lifetime of being friends with Aomine – and she might even have promised to herself to wait until Aomine's willing to tell her what happened, but, well. Turns out she can't. On the third day of high school Momoi has had enough.

Aomine refuses to talk about what happened between him and Kise and nothing Momoi says can make him open up, while Kise gives no sign of himself. It's obvious things aren't okay between the two and Momoi really wants to help, but she doesn't have any idea where to start. Did they fight? Was it about Kise being sick? Did Aomine run his mouth without any thought again and end up hurting Kise?

Ahh, whatever, it's probably better to find out straight from the source, and since Aomine won't talk, she has to try with Kise. Which is why she ends up skipping her afternoon classes as well as club activities (it's not like Aomine would be there either so what does it matter) and boarding a train to Kanagawa instead.

The clattering of the train calms her nerves somewhat and she types another message to Kise, just in case he might respond this time. He doesn't so Momoi stuffs her phone back in her bag and spends the rest of the ride absentmindedly staring out the window. A few minutes' walk from the station later Momoi is taking a deep breath before walking through the front gate of Kaijou, decidedly ignoring all the curious looks she gets from the students passing by her. In hindsight maybe it would've been better to change out of her Touou uniform, so she wouldn't draw so much attention.

...no, that doesn't matter. She's here to help a friend, not to care about people staring at her.

The girl she asks for Kise's whereabouts stares at her with starry eyes; Momoi winks as thanks and the girl goes all red and nearly walks into a wall. For a moment Momoi considers going back to leave her number – but that would be cruel. Her heart still has cracks from where Kuroko crushed it, albeit unintentionally, and she has no wish to do that to someone else.

Kise skipping class to sleep in the nurse's office is predictable, to say the least; Momoi's kind of angry at herself for not having thought of that herself. Heaven knows Aomine has done his fair share of it. Now she's wasted several minutes of precious time, and she's worried every passing second will make it harder for things to get better.

But. She's never been the type to give up, especially when she hasn't even tried. Besides, dealing with Aomine all her life has certainly taught her patience and communication skills; Kise's always been much more open about his feelings, so there is a good chance Momoi will get him to talk.

The nurse's office only has one bed occupied, the curtains drawn around it. Momoi walks to the bed, only stopping when she's right next to it. It's so quiet she can hear her own heart beating wildly in her chest.

_It's okay, you can help him. You can help Ki-chan and Dai-chan patch things up._

Inhale, exhale.

"...Ki-chan?"

There's a split second of absolute stillness. Then, the curtain is ripped open and she finds herself eye to eye with a very confused Kise. He looks – well, not good and it tugs at Momoi's heartstrings.

"M-Momocchi! Why are you here?!"

"To talk, because Dai-chan won't and you haven't replied to my texts or calls either. I know something happened, okay? So don't try to tell me everything's okay," she adds when Kise opens his mouth with a forced smile tugging at his lips; like a true model, always ready to pretend.

But unlike usual, Kise isn't completely in control of his emotions or expressions. The flash of panic in his eyes before he averts his gaze is very telling. She's seen it a lot, ever since Kise developed his eating disorder, and it still makes her chest clench uncomfortably.

"Oh Ki-chan..."

Against the whiteness of the bed sheets Kise looks small and vulnerable, like a child that needs a hug. Momoi sits on the bed so it's easier for her to take his hand and hold it in a sign of reassurance. "It's fine. Really."

For a split second, Kise flashes a resigned smile. "What is?"

"Everything's different, we don't go to the same school or live in the same city so it's okay if you can't stay in touch all the time. But... you two haven't talked at all since then, right? What happened?"

"I'm not- Momocchi, please stop asking." Kise pulls his hand away, or at least tries to; Momoi's hold on him doesn't budge. There's something in his eyes Momoi can't quite read, something like... fear? But Kise hasn't done anything wrong. She's not angry at him, just exasperated. Aomine's probably the one she should be mad at if anyone, anyway.

"Tell me. I swear I won't say anything to Dai-chan if you don't want me to, but please talk to me." Momoi's voice gains an edge of desperation, her fingers slipping to his wrist instead, and then he flinches. And she should realise why, she should know by now, but she doesn't; she asks, "Sorry, did I squeeze too hard?", and watches Kise curl up on himself. "...Ki-chan?"

He doesn't say anything for a long time, his shoulders shaking. Momoi can't tell if it's because he's cold or something else. Something else, like him being scared of her finding out something he's trying to keep a secret –

No.

Kise doesn't resist Momoi as she carefully tugs his sleeve higher to expose his wrist; he doesn't resist when she gasps quietly and tightens her grip on his arm once she sees what he's hiding under his clothes. She inhales sharply.

"Oh..." There are so many cuts on Kise's wrist, too many to count, but it's easy to tell when they've been inflicted. The oldest cuts are already mostly healed, some of them even faded out a little into the paleness of his skin. But the newest have left blood stains on his sleeve; there's a trail of red running down his arm, making a mess of his uniform.

After a long moment Momoi raises her head to meet Kise's gaze. He looks so lost and broken, like a child; knowing she can't help feels awful. His voice is just a whisper, barely there.

"He broke up with me... Momocchi, I... what should I do?"

For a moment all Momoi can do is just look at Kise, take in the tears running down his cheeks and the messy hair, thinking how red his eyes will be tomorrow and how someone as pretty as Kise shouldn't look like this, an absolute mess, and why does _her best friend_ have to be the reason he looks like this.

Then she pulls him into a hug. He goes all tense but doesn't push her away.

"I'm here now so it’s okay, alright? Everything's going to work out. You're gonna be okay, I promise."

It's hard to actually believe everything's going to be okay when she's sitting next to a bleeding Kise, his entire body shaking with the force of his tears, but she keeps repeating the words like a mantra, hoping she'll at least be able to convince one of them. "It's okay, I'm here, it'll work out, everything's going to be fine..."

(But what if it isn't?)

* * *

"Ki-chan." After almost an hour of crying, Kise's face is all red and blotchy, and Momoi's fairly sure she doesn't look any better. But it's getting late and they can't stay at the school any longer unless they want to get locked in, so she starts shaking Kise to get him to move.

"I'll talk to Dai-chan." Kise twitches but doesn't say anything. "If it makes you feel any better, he's not doing good either. I- I think he really regrets whatever he said to you."

Kise finally looks at Momoi. "Really?"

"He cried." Kise's staring at her now, wide-eyed and bewildered. "Please Ki-chan, I know you can still make up, let me help. Dai-chan – he'll listen to me."

He shakes his head in mute disbelief. Momoi, however, has decided not to get discouraged.

"Please trust me. No matter what happens, things are going to get better, okay?"

Kise doesn't say anything, just slowly takes Momoi's hand and squeezes it tight. She shifts the position of their hands so she can lace her fingers with Kise's. "Today, though, all you need to do is go home and get rest, okay? Let's go now before we get locked in."

Kise nods, not letting go of Momoi's hand even as he gets up from the bed and they walk through the quiet school. He holds it all the way to the train station; Momoi doesn't try to shake him off even once.

* * *

Disgrace. Why would he just expose his feelings to someone else like that?

That'll do him no good. He knows that.

But Momoi's always been so nice to him, so understanding and supportive. Surely she'll be there for him even now? She said she would. He trusts her.

His head hurts from all the crying but he does feel better, having let it all out. And he genuinely does believe things can get better.

(And they will. He'll fight for it.)

* * *

First, it seems, he has to fight himself to go see Aomine. A part of him just wants to stay at home, in bed, and wither away. But he can't do that, what he needs is to go see Aomine and talk. To fix things. To fix their relationship.

Momoi is more than willing to tell him Aomine's schedule so all Kise has to do is wait along the route Aomine takes home after school. And of course, being a creature of habit, Aomine eventually shows up. He's listening to music, kicking on pebbles and Kise’s longing for him suddenly becomes almost tangible.

He misses their one-on-ones, the endless bickering, Aomine making fun of him for caring so much about his appearance – all of it. At this point he doesn't even care if they can't date anymore, he misses having Aomine as a _friend_.

That is something he's fairly sure he can still get back, so he steps into the road, standing still until Aomine gets close, closer, then stops. He frowns, raising his eyes from the street and removes his headphones – then recognition lights his eyes and he freezes, hand halfway back to his side.

There's a moment of awkward silence.

"Hey," Kise says finally, with ease he definitely doesn't feel. Aomine stares, mouth hanging open. "Momocchi came to see me in Kanagawa, and I... felt like we should talk."

"...yeah, she told me." Aomine's eyes drop to Kise's arms and then jump back again. Kise raises an eyebrow. "Um, she said... but you can't be cutting again, right?"

Kise feels his expression tense with his body. "...what's it to you?"

"What do you mean, what's it to me? Yeah we broke up but I-I still like you a lot so of course I care if you cut!"

_He still likes me?_ That's certainly unexpected, given that Aomine hasn't tried to be in touch even once since then. Kise struggles to find the right words. "But... I don't think it worked out very well. I mean, you said some pretty awful things and -"

"I'm sorry!" Aomine yells suddenly, interrupting Kise. They spend a moment looking at each other, then Aomine continues. "If you give me a second chance, I'll try harder, okay? I can't promise I won't fuck up but I don't want to..."

He takes a deep breath, his voice almost cracking. "I don't want us to be over for good. And I didn't mean it when I said we should break up, I was just upset and... Kise please, I like you, I want to be with you, and I want to help you get better..."

"Aominecchi..." Kise trails off. What does he even want to say? Here Aomine is, apologising to him, offering to get back together, and yet Kise hesitates. "I've liked you for a long time and I never actually thought we'd, like, get together. And then you said all those things when... you know. About my eating and everything. So I- honestly, I don't know if you _can_ help me. Because I feel like you don't understand."

"But-"

"I've said it before, it’s a slow process. Like, it might take years. So if you're gonna lose patience after just a few months, I really can't trust you to be there for me in, say, five years." Kise wrings his hands together, careful to not let his wrists rub against each other. "I mean, I don't even know if I'll like you in five years but I... kind of want to know if it's worth it to try to make this long-term."

"Kise, what-"

Kise still won't let Aomine speak, he needs to get all the words in his chest out now or he never will. "I just want to know if it's worth it to put effort into this relationship, because I can't bother with things that aren't worth it, I don't have the energy to do that!"

He's yelling by the end of that sentence and feels so ugly for it but he can't help it, he's had enough. If Aomine can't be supportive then Kise is better off without him. He has to be.

The silence stretches until Kise is sure Aomine isn't going to say anything. Kise sighs. He should have known. "Great. See you around in basketball matches, then."

He's not crying when he moves back, he isn't, he can't –

"I meant it. I want to support you." Aomine's voice is quiet, barely audible. His hand hovers above Kise's arm but he doesn't let it touch. "I want you, all of you. That includes your eating issues and all other bad things too."

“…!”

"I don't know if I'll like you five years from now either, but I do like you now. So I want to be with you as long as I have feelings for you. Kise, please..."

It's blunt and awkward and very uncertain but it makes Kise melt inside all the same. He can tell Aomine means it, and that's all he needs.

For now that's enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just finished this by the end of May! nice
> 
> i know the ending isn't exactly happy, more like hopeful, but i like it, it fits the overall feeling of the fic. also momoi is bi as fuck and you can't change my mind
> 
> now that this is done, i'm gonna decide what to do with the rest of my ff.net fics that aren't here yet, there's two multi-chapter fics that i never finished and haven't touched since 2014, maybe i should finally finish at least the one i liked more upon rereading it a few months ago?? fdhsfikhjgh
> 
> oh yeah i also have a few completely new aokise fics in the works! gotta love being super inspired to write for a mostly-dead fandom huh


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